The Insignia Pin, Part 6
Reflections from the Burning House
[The Insignia Pin is an original allegorical fable intended for our times that I’m offering to you in weekly-serial form.
The Insignia Pin is an epistolary novel - composed as though the characters themselves are writing it.
This is Part Six. Please read Part One through Five to follow this weekly serial post… and thank you for sharing with others.
Please note: The Insignia Pin is rated PG-13 for coarse language, drugs, war violence, and teen sexuality.]
Caff, 1970
Here it is coming on spring, and I’m still grounded. I was helping Dad tune up his Camaro this morning and he got all mad at me:
“Come on, stop being a moron . . .”
He was muttering but it was to me. He was leaning down under the hood and he wanted me to hand him these little metal things called points. He showed me but I forgot what they are.
I didn’t say anything but it hurt my feelings. I used to like helping work on the car.
Today the book I ordered for $1.25 from Whole Earth Catalog finally came. It's called "Utopia or Oblivion" by R. Buckminster Fuller. I saw him on the educational channel 56 on UHF and this man is a true genius. I know because I just finished reading the first 15 pages and don’t understand what he’s saying. So I asked Dad and he says our family isn’t too great at math, which is true for me, and probably why I don’t get it.
Murph promised Jarv and me he’d score some blotter acid down at Lincoln Park where the freaks hang out. Blotter’s where they put acid in an eyedropper and drip it on a piece of paper or a sugar cube. It gets blotted up get it? I actually looked forward to school today.
We met up in E wing john where Raisin never goes. That’s Mr. Shasta who we call “Raisin” because that’s how his face looks. I don’t mean anything mean about him. He looks like he’s mad all the time.
This blotter acid was on chewable vitamin C tabs. I was peaking in Plane Geometry which for almost the whole year I thought was Plain Geometry because I told Mr. Lazra the counselor I’m no good at math.
Mr. Maxwell was explaining how to find the area of a triangle. Things got a little crazy. I mean I’m tripping out to the max and can’t even do math good anyway, right??
“Caff, you’re paying attention for once” says Mr. Maxwell all flattery. “So show us.”
Even my teachers call me Caff, even though my real name is John McCaffrey.
What I was doing was paying attention to wiggly patterns on the blackboard. I was stoned to the bone.
Then Mr. Maxwell says, “Caff” again and I think yep.
“Caff?”
I’m watching tiles on the ceiling and floor wave around. I only know he’s been talking about something to do with triangles. I’m seeing triangles everywhere!!
Mr. Maxwell’s holding up his finger and twitching it at me.
“Just come on up here, don’t be shy” he says.
Then I stand and walk up to him. He’s handing the chalk to me and I’m like watching him. Pretty soon I get my hand to take the chalk. Man this is some serious acid I’m thinking.
He points to a triangle he drew on the chalkboard. And it’s moving all around.
“Did you understand the example?” he’s asking me. “You watched me go through it.”
“Umm . . .” I say.
I got this really bad case of cottonmouth. You know white stuff you get at the corners of your mouth sometimes? I keep thinking I got bunches of that stuff and everybody can see. I feel like white stuff’s all over my lips.
“Umm . . .” I say and start wiping my mouth.
My mouth feels like it’s made of gears like a machine that needs grease. I gotta say something pretty soon. I start talking in a flurry.
“Mr. Maxwell the right side of an isosceles triangle is congruent to the left side. That’s called the isosceles triangle theorem.”
“Yes so said the scarecrow Caff” he tells me right back and all super pleasant.
Well this just totally blew my mind.
It was just a really trippy thing for him to say like some kind of lame joke.
Katie Cartwright starts giggling and I’m gawking at Mr. Maxwell like a dummy. Her giggling sounds just like a quacking duck. So I start laughing too.
“Calm down Caff. You too Miss Cartwright.”
I keep wiping my hand over my mouth trying to get the white stuff off. I’m looking at my sleeve to see if it’s on there but I don’t see any. My mind can’t stop thinking - geez, what the hell did the scarecrow say?
“You’re right about the theorem Caff. What I'm saying is we’re not talking about that now” Maxwell says. He's trying to help me out.
“So come on son” and he points at the chalkboard. “Give it a try. Let’s figure out the area of this triangle.”
And Katie Cartwright’s still cracking up and I’m thinking about how like dogs bark, cats meow, ducks quack, and people make laughing noises. Which is weird because you don't hear dogs, cats, or ducks giggle or what not.
Mr. Maxwell sits down at an empty desk near the front and he’s waiting.
“Caff?”
“Yeah?”
“Let’s get started. What’s the square root of four a-squared minus b-squared over 4?”
“Uhh. . .”
“Let’s take it a step in time. What’s four a-squared?”
What’s a step in time? Does he mean a step at a time? Mr. Maxwell has a very large mouth and big teeth and he looks like some kind of fish. And this kind of freaks me out.
“Can you square a Caff?”
Maybe some fish beings square their a’s. I start thinking about a square A walking around on a fish planet.
“4a squared.” Mr. Maxwell is trying to get me to do what he wants me to do.
“4a squared” I say back to him like we’re saying hello on the fish planet out near Alpha Centauri.
“He’s trippin’!”
It’s Brian Salter and even I could kick his ass. Mr. Maxwell gets up from the desk and looks into my eyes.
“Are you on something McCaffrey?”
“No sir.”
He’s looking me over. His mouth is opening and closing like a guppy or maybe a large-mouth bass.
“Okay” he says. “Sit back down. Let’s get Salter up here since he’s got such a big mouth.”
And this is bizarre because I’m thinking right at that moment about a large-mouthed bass! Man I sat down and breathed this sigh of relief and it sounded like a jet engine.
My seat in Maxwell’s class is right in front of none other than Robin McGee. Sitting in front of her keeps me from ever skipping geometry. She’s looking at me all concerned. Man that’s pretty nice!
To describe her - Robin’s got brown hair that flips up like Agent 99 on Get Smart. She’s got perfect skin, no zits, and is kind of tan. She’s got big lips and wears mini-skirts and shoes the girls call Kork-Ease. She has a real soft voice.
I’m just sitting there. Then something truly amazing happens. After a little bit Robin leans over and touches the eraser of her pencil on the back of my neck. I mean she must’ve figured out I was tripping. And man I never expected her to do something like that!!
Just so you know when you’re tripping and somebody touches your neck you get a giganto zing! At first I didn’t know what it was and started slapping at it like it was a fly. Then she giggles and I figured out what she was doing.
You have to understand Future Dude this is a girl who the only thing she ever said to me in three years was “Oh hi Caff” and here she’s touching my neck!
Katie Cartwright starts watching - she’s in the row across from us - and she gets all snickery. I know Katie kind of has a crush on me. She's cute and all but Robin's something else.
All the sudden Robin pulls back her pencil because Maxwell stops talking and is trying to zoom in on who’s making this snickery noise. I put my eyes front and nod. He finally starts talking again.
Then Robin kind of swirls her eraser head around on the back of my neck all over again!!
Well this is really cool but then it started making me feel I don't know uncomfortable or kind of too comfortable.
Then Katie writes in her notebook, tears it out, folds it, and swings it under her desk to Shannon Reed who sits in front of her across the aisle from me. Shannon reads what Katie wrote, glances over at me, and goes all giggly too. Then she makes to slip the note under her math book but she’s a klutz and drops it.
I swoop down and open it up really quick.
“Robin’s giving Caff a boner!” That’s what Katie wrote!
I get this huge acid rush that makes me moan but they all think it’s something else. All the girls are completely losing it. What I'm saying is this is getting very embarrassing!!
“Caff let me have that!”
Maxwell’s heading back my way with a mad look on his face.
“Have what sir?”
“Whatever you have in your hand. Give it to me.”
When you’re fourteen and a guy you’re not going to let anybody read some note that says a girl is giving you a boner!!
I had it folded back up in a little cube then Maxwell tried to grab it from my hand. But I just lifted up my palm and shoved it into my mouth.
Everybody started whooping and yelling.
“Spit it out McCaffrey!” yells Mr. Maxwell.
And I’m looking at him, and now he looks like a fat angry fish. No way is he getting it. I start chewing.
“I said spit it out!!”
All the kids are cheering because Caff McCaffrey is standing up to the toughest teacher in our school. He keeps a paddle with holes drilled in it in his right-hand desk drawer.
I glance back at Robin and she’s looking at me like a princess you know? Her eyes are all glittery. She never gets in trouble no matter what she does.
Katie Cartwright is shaking her head and still laughing. Then I look up at the mad monster fish.
Well I swallowed it!! Everybody saw. I just gulped it down. The whole class went nuts!
“Down to Mr. Shasta now! You’re on five-day detention!”
The rest of the day was shitty. Two hours detention cleaning Bowler swimming pool and I was still tripping. I didn’t even get home until almost supper and I forgot to tell Mom and Dad I’d be staying after.
“Where have you been and why are you late??”
This is how my dad says hi. I had interrupted Mommy and Daddy time. I guess they had their drinky-poohs and were a little buzzed.
“I had to stay after school to do work” (true) “and I didn’t want to bother anybody to pick me up” (true).
“LIAR!” Dad yells at me. “Come in here!”
What happened was Raisin called him at work about me swallowing the note in Maxwell’s class. I guess Mom was at the grocery.
Uh oh I thought when I walked into the living room. They both looked really pissed off.
“Sit down.”
When he talks this way his voice can peel paint. I don't even want to be near him.
“What exactly is wrong with you? Huh??”
Perry Mason asks “How did you become a criminal?” That’s usually in the show somewhere. If you say anything you’re admitting you are one.
Dad has always had a bad temper but it’s been so much worse since Grandpa Frank and Uncle Oscar died within three months of each other.
I guess Grandpa Frank was a drunk but I never knew him and only saw him when I was very little.
My Uncle Oscar did something sleazy in his business and had to go to one of those prison farms for a year. Then he got cancer and died. He never really knew me and Arnie too well. I think Dad had lots of issues with him too.
So I just sit there and am supposed to take it. I always think when he yells at me it’s about Grandpa and Uncle Oscar dying but I’d never ever say it. If I ever say anything like I’m not the one with the problem here and he is - man he’d go completely ballistic!
“When do you plan on taking life seriously?”
So weird how I’m high and Dad’s buzzed out on his second manhattan. He pours them big. I started getting thirsty watching him.
“Just a minute!” he screams. “Where do you think you're going?”
Mom is sitting there sipping her drink while he keeps on yelling.
“I just want to get some water.”
“You’ll get some water when I say so!!”
I get like some deer caught in the headlights when he’s yelling like this. When he’s yelling my mouth gets super dry and my heart starts pounding. I don’t know if I’m doing something wrong again or what. I just get stuck and I’m all confused.
Like when I reach up to scratch my nose. I guess I held my hand up there and then he’s really staring at me. I’m watching him do this and thinking he totally hates my guts.
“Put your arm down! You look like a goddamn faggot!”
“Samuel . . .” Mom says but that’s it. She’s not going to take him on.
Pretty amazing. I put my arm down and I still got cottonmouth really bad.
I can tell he’s trying to calm down but he can’t really. “What your mother and I would like to know is . . . why can’t you follow rules?? What exactly is wrong with you??”
And I can’t think of shit. It’s like a full minute of silence. You know how long that feels? It’s really long. I’m counting to sixty by thousands sitting there. I know I have to say something.
“Um there’s nothing exactly wrong with me?” I finally say.
“Stop being a smart ass! Do you want to end up flipping burgers for a living?”
This gets me thinking about Elmer Breckinridge flipping burgers over at Springer Park. I really like Elmer.
“Well I don’t want to put down people who flip burgers,” I tell him. “It’s the only kind of work some people can get. And I sure don’t wanna get caught stuck in some funky office job.”
Then Dad's eyes go super wide. I mean I wasn’t talking about him. I just never want to be stuck working at a desk in some office. But well look how happy he is right?
“What did you say?!”
Now I’m laying on my bed staring at the ceiling.
I do this all the time these days.
