“How Then Shall We Live?”

Reflections from the Burning House

At the moment you were born, someone breathed their last breath. Someone forgave the unforgivable. A breeze inspired a poem; troubled lovers reconciled; a family’s long struggle ended, and food was given to a starving child. Hostility was answered with kindness; a dream changed someone’s life, and a right decision shifted the world closer to peace.

There was no media attention, no announcements or proclamations or any clue given to anyone outside the participants themselves that these things happened. From today’s echo-chamber viewpoint - the one to which we’re very susceptible via whatever clickbait we favor - our world appeared still mostly in despair.

It’s not naive to believe great goodness came alongside your entry into this world, and so, feel free to challenge any doubters. Solid reasoning and the laws of probability support the claim, as does simply inverting the means by which we so often discern the presence of evil as well as the ongoing turbulence of human love and hate.

Sometimes, this kind of thinking stops me from scrolling through the horrors and disasters an extremely competitive “media industry” is constantly beckoning me toward, not in some Pollyanna-ish withdrawal but in trying to resist a compulsion I didn’t have just ten years ago.

When am I “consuming news media” versus being consumed by news media? When am I using my computer, or being used by it?

The tenderness with which someone holds the hand of a loved one dying of pancreatic cancer will never make my news feed, any more than imagining a world where healing all life would be more important than dismantling federal programs that feed starving children or help poor families access the same health care as I can.

Therefore, I call your attention away from whatever device brings you to my rambling to reassert the claim that your birth has always been inherently propitious, and that whatever degrees of adversity, even anguish, you’ve suffered and maybe still do, many good things are going on during every single moment of your life.

“Okay,” you protest, “but not so much for me these days.”

Suffering is, obviously, not delivered equally, and while the rain falls on the just and the wicked, it’s the latter who are currently expanding wealth, power, and shelter at the expense of the former. Who can witness or suffer from their brutality, greed, and selfishness and not be brought into a “bad mood”? Yes, there are those who think it’s all great. More on what might be done about this state of affairs in a moment.

Being sad, mad, or bereaved is no real barrier to finding our path. In fact, these intense emotions are abundant energy that can really help. The real threat - as I see it -is this nihilism or fatalism fashionable in certain places that posits as foregone conclusion that we’re somehow doomed or predestined to destroy ourselves.

Even if it doesn’t feel true that we’re heading for better days at this moment, no one is helped by this kind of thinking. The horrors of current national governance are truly undeniable; the inhumanity of people in charge is very real, but they are not omnipotent and have not won the day nor are they completely in charge.

“How then shall we live?”

Some say Tolstoy said it, but no, it’s from the Bible (Ezekiel 33:10; Luke 22:31-38). Tolstoy wrote, “How am I to live?” in his book, A Confession (1884). Of course, he was writing Russian, so maybe it was translated into English as in the Bible at some point.

We must address this question now.. Who can remain passive about the great tragedy underway from which we all will eventually suffer, this dark bloom many decades in the making that has now blocked our entire country from the sun? Who feels entitled to chalk it all up as some “divine test” of American resilience, fitting punishment for our national sins, another feature of our brutish existence, a weird convergence of planets, the utter collapse of modernity, the turbulence of chaotic systems, the revelry of idiocy? Fun to write it all down, I admit, but also a waste of precious time.

We are already the survivors of a train wreck. It matters not a fig what’s gone wrong - the engine or the track? The engineer, the freight, the passengers? We are called from deep inside our souls and in between each soul nearby, “How then shall we live?”

It seems to me we begin by mitigating whatever damage we can. I’ve been taught a few things about suffering, having accompanied hundreds of people into it, and having spent a fair amount of time with my own. I’m not very afraid of it anymore, even if it’s never easy to like. Nearly seven decades as a human, four as a psychotherapist and student of the human condition, and a friend to Indigenous people, leads me to go out on the limb we’re already on together to offer a few suggestions.

A caveat - I can find no other way to express these tidbits than in short, metaphorical phrases. The bold face is the phrase, and then a bit of explanation follows. I sometimes say these very same phrases to myself. Each is only useful when it fits into some specific context of living life as I try to figure out for myself, “how then shall we live?” I hope they may have some utility for you too.

Here goes:

You are a sacred being… from the Latin, sacrare "to make holy, consecrate; to immortalize; to set apart, to dedicate.” “Holy” as in its derivatives, “hale” or “health” or… “holy” if that’s not too cumbersome for you. My old friend-brother Long Standing Bear Chief (Pikaani Blackfoot, 1942 - 2010) would pray in sweatlodge for his spirit to be helped back toward being “a real Human Being.” This seemed to me in those times to suggest “unsullied by the toxins of modernity.” You’re not only sacred but a real human being too. Try to get back to whatever this all means to you.

Everyone and everything else is sacred too. Does this include…? Yes, it does, and I know this feels highly problematic and hard to accept, particularly at this time with our fellow humans. But we all arrived as babies. Then what? What if everyone began treating everyone and everything around them as sacred?

Three feet back… It’s not going to be easy. When you’re overwhelmed, pull the rip cord and take a break. Back up. Practice detachment and forbearance. Search those virtues on the internet and take a news media fast. Go on a social media diet. There are tons of freebie videos on various platforms to relearn how to breathe and meditate. Real life teachers too - even better. For now, sweep your palm over some rough tree bark and see how far you can carry the tactile sensation with you. Concentrate on it. I double-dog dare you to try it. Daily.

See yourself through the eyes of your enemy… You’ve got none? I don’t mean to be skeptical or rude but... consider those people you don’t want to be in the same room with, let alone ever speak to again. Concentrate on seeing yourself from their perspective. Not a good look? Use the information you gather “dispassionately” from this view of yourself to understand more about the better world we’d all like to make. No, your enemies might not do this for you. So, you do it for them…

With compassionate equanimity… Try to notice the suffering of whoever you consider an adversary. Try to find your own place in their suffering, especially in hindering better possibilities in their life. What if you (and not just they) represent an obstacle? Because there is no “us” and “them,” only us. This is the very substance of what I’ll call the Grand Delusion - the lie of individualism, and the truth of our interdependence. Exercising compassion toward humans stuck in this delusion can mean anything from embracing them in their longing for connection to blocking their abuse and cruelty with a lion’s roar. Equanimity means embracing or roaring with total intention and without violence and rage. Let’s not become what we revile.

Talk to people you disagree with… Yes, inside the Grand Delusion are many people with wrong ideas and incomplete information - including me and you. And not everyone is open to talking and listening when there’s a likelihood of disagreement. But try to find candidates anyway and be ready to be the one who listens first. Any decent negotiator knows that listening well lowers fists and takes fingers off triggers. Get good at being three feet back and listening this hard.

What do you make of the coffee table? Is it well-made or for putting your feet on? Do you have to watch out to not bump your shin on it? Do you like the color or does it not match the decor? Everyone sees the coffee table a little differently. And so much of everything else. What is the truest meaning of diversity, tolerance, and inclusion? Please say the words instead of the letters. Will you meet people right where they are? Let’s respect different perceptions developed from where they’ve been, what they’ve gone through, and whatever fears, resentments, and prejudices they’ve gathered - instead of sanctimoniously pointing out their implicit biases and microaggressions. I’m not saying these grievances aren’t real. I’m saying changing hearts doesn’t happen through provoking, shaming, and humiliating.

Call out and stand up toward hatred, but don’t call people names… Condemn racist, white supremacist, discriminatory, bigoted, hateful, and horrid ideas, not people. The reverse of this approach is another part of what’s caused this mess. Uphold and defend any and all victims of oppression. Don’t call people with ignorant belief systems names. They’ll shut down and stop listening. They’ll slam the door in your face. And because we know you have a strong heart and mind, use your gifts to become even smarter, wiser, kinder, and totally persuasive. So many people have been taken in by terrible ideas and held their noses while they voted - on all sides. There’s common ground to be found somewhere in there, but no room at all for hatred and violence.

We can’t go around this haunted forest… We have to go through it.

Avoidance of threat and threatening people is instinctual. We become fearful and activated toward self-defense. Yet humans are the only form of life on this planet able to resist the power of instinct and use their reasoning. Check me on that one. We are the only ones able to make responsible choices not just for ourselves but for all life and the future of the planet. If we’re ever going to make things better, we’re going to have to walk through this haunted forest we’ve failed to tend. And we, ourselves, are definitely the very ghosts and demons haunting us right now. Take a few baths in pickle brine with that one to toughen your skin. Remember Forbidden Planet?

How then shall we live?… We’re faced with a situation in which those we put in power use it for evil rather than for good. We nonetheless retain the capacity to choose our response. We are still in charge of our lives. We must immediately begin committing acts and deeds so righteous and good as to exceed and overwhelm the deeds of this mafia of wealthy, evil men (and I do mean men). We must immediately begin suppressing, thwarting, delaying, or outright stopping the deeds of this evil cabal through the carefully planned strategy and tactics of a nonviolent and ethical resistance movement. We must immediately begin doing both these activities simultaneously.

Make circles… This is a suggested “how-to” I’m committed to, the ancient, most equalizing form of gathering, where we convene together “as one in a small circle” that becomes more than the sum of its parts. Who is not welcome inside the limitless possibilities of such circles? Is there a limit to who we will accompany, who may accompany us, who we will hear from? There’s just too much for me to say about this and the need for exercising tremendous mutual respect, support, tolerance, and love in whatever circles we make. No interrupting. Don’t break hearts. No screaming. Don’t speak harshly. Every participant in a circle represents threads of connection to so many communities. Mutual aid, cooperatives, coalitions, are all here in the making, about to be born. Circles are nonetheless a convening of sacred beings, so please handle them with great and facilitative care. We need to restore the active human unifying of making circles together everywhere we can.

Express yourself… I recently hunted down a well-used denim jacket. I shopped a bunch of tiny online shops for embroidered patches. I’m going to make a coat of many colors. I’m going to wear it everywhere and may embarrass a few friends and family. I want my colorful patches to provoke controversy but more than just this, I want to have conversations with the provoked and evoked. Meanwhile, I will continue to write out my rage and longing, and then put it away or share it, depending on whether it seems useful or not. I will still make songs and sing them often. Some are keepers, others temporary infatuations. I’m not a great dancer, but I will try in a group if I’m nudged. I will go to circles to which I’m invited or involved and speak and listen. I have a friend who collects shells, and another who makes drums. You should express yourself too. Find some way to bring out all that’s sitting inside you as soon as possible. You can even use the comment section below. I’ll try to figure out how to activate my “chat” section too.

Thanks for reading this piece and sharing with others if you feel it has merit.